heal

I have stories to tell and I see them dervish twirling in my sensorium nonstop. Why should you give any thought to this; no response?

Many years ago in another life I was on call for high risk case input for a certain far-away hospital. All was well the crier sounded and off to the rack went I only to be shuddered awake to the emergency for a little kid. Well, this was no ordinary call. I could hear it in the voice of the nurse on the line. It was barely a whisper.

A young man of the household was on his way to second shift, leaving his loved brood at the homestead. Backing the family car out a bump was there. It was his son. The cruel wheel passed over the little one's head. It was a tragedy from the beginning to the end. I learned much of this.

The boy was in extremis; I and he arrived together to the wide eyed staff and crew of the rig. Fear was wafting everywhere. All the technology was done in the field and afterwards. I didn't bring that here to tell about all that...

Soon came the aforementioned family car bearing the terrified. All came to see what could not be seen. The youngster was in desparation territory. Brain matter emerged; things were beyond all the king's men.

I was useless...we were all useless. I focused on the family; then on the organ donor hierarchy. For big people, all would have gone smoothly; for little people, and to a great extent still today, there were many to receive, many to give, and no highway betwixt. All night could not bring those people the little I could do to bring them a tiny thread of peace...nothing could be recovered but for the corneas.

I watched the people of greatest courage and forbearance I have ever known. I saw a wife pick her husband up and hold him still beyond any imaginable best one could summon. There is no forgetting the lessons taught that night. The boy went slowly away, the team struggled, the mother stepped into our role as healer.

i've been told...

some say medication can control me ...I doubt it. Never has before. Unless, of course, they have come up with something intended to dumb me down flat and stiff as a board (and I see Vincent Schiavelli in the Cuckoo's Nest...wow, 1975 ...long ways back). Never have I gotten over the effect psychotrophics have on real people (after spending time as an "extern" in training at Creedmore and Ward's Island in the 60s). Of course, that was back in the day when they reasoned ECT (shock) didn't require any anesthesia inasmuch as the memory banks were wiped anyhow. Nice ...I've seen the teeth a'crackin!! I remember a guy who used to come in to change lightbulbs and other small maintenance jobs on the ward I was assigned to observe. Turns out, when he finished his day of work, he would hang his overalls in his locker and go back to his ward for the night; this guy had not been out of the hospital grounds in 54 years!! He hadn't had a visitor for over 45 years!! Although held on a 2PC (two physician certificate) which should have bought him at least a judicial review every year (over most of his stay) and in the latter years, quite a bit more frequently, he had not been "examined" by a physician for over 15 years according to his record which I had reviewed. Can we say "institutionalization?" He would never have survived had they released him...the world had passed him by. Some things are amazing. That was over 40 years ago.

more

So, where does a guy go to see another image ...I speak of myself while the world crashes around me, banging and wimpering altogether. It seems the cave-in follows (got the image of Linus with the cloud above his head) and finds me everywhere. Now, I know this will ulitmately lead to loss of all my followers, but what of it? I can push on alone after all. Companionship has its moments, but never seems to fill the gap. I am gapped alright. The cleft is deep and oozing (view the cockroach I had to terminate last night still there giving up the great green gobs of greasy grimy guts so often ascribed to gophers). Now I see Al Sharptin ...oh yeah, it's the TV, mj you know !!

ambivalence

...it seems to creep up on a guy like when you walk up the sidewalk and see some object in your path far ahead and take little notice as you are bouncing the near term life events around what seems to be a small calvarium with contents bearing quite a smooth content...and, there it is, under your gaze, being as it were above her gaze (or is it a herat?) and the insane urge to step on it like you do with the kitchen ants is quelled by uncertainty.

The uncertainty of rats' climbing capacity (you see old home movies of coconut willie scampering up a palm downing fruit delighting guests at the Hawaiian Village all with a view of Diamond Head), or rather the void left in that place where you look to find out just what you are doing, and especially where you are going. You have a flash of the police response when you revive and your inability to answer those self same queries. That settles it; no loss of consciousness is permitted. Under these circumstances, it behooves a person of substance to formulate a keen plan. And, 'tis a puzzlement (briefly viewing Yul Brynner gesturing with grace to Deborah Kerr in song).

Are all the days of our lives truly this way? Does everyone dwell in a never-ending hodge-podge of varietal scenes. It comes to mind (yes, my "smooth" brain) it may very well be unique to the chosen few. As a lifetime member of my group, it is now clear to me this muddle is not universal. Can it be? Surely not, inasmuch as it would place me squarely in the midst of the mundane masses. Ask anyone, I am simply not plain vanilla.

So, you ask (I see your finger approaching the "del" key with your other hand attempts to hold your wrist at bay like Peter Sellers avoiding the Roman salute in Dr. Strangelove: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) why any normal person, a charter member of the masses, the mundane, the hoi polloi, would disregard the admonition en tete this page and read on. To that end, I visualize nothing more.

***sadly, there will be more to come when I feel like it...

even more authoritative...

Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words.
Manage and watch your words, for they become your actions.
Consider and judge your actions, for they become your habits.
Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they become your values.
Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.

-Mahatma Gandhi

...and, this guy knew how2think4sure!!

on good authority...

Joseph Goebbels would say: “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, then people will begin to believe it.”

no more...

Everyone is so happy the stock market went up ...wait! It ain't over yet by a longshot... No more bernie to kick around ...no more bush to bash ...no more cheney to chide ...oh, wait, I already said that ...but wait still, is it still true?? ...say it ain't so!! ...well, itza real mess ...housing starts are lousy, mean price of inventory is down still, wattrwegunnado? it's an obamarama!!